For the Love of Power and Stability in Relationships

[Author-Poet Aberjhani]

Note: My thanks to Marlive Harris of Grits.com and author LaConnie Taylor Jones for inviting me to share a few thoughts on this very dangerous topic and to participate in the A Love For All Times Virtual Book Tour.


To a degree, women are the ones who control the quality of and stability within relationships. Why? Because women, for the most part, tend to invest more faith in the concept of relationships. That is, they believe more in the idea of interacting with another for the purposes of sharing life goals, achieving fulfilling intimacy, and maintaining general social harmony, stability, and personal satisfaction. That’s a lot of power, but the follow-up question for me would have to be does such power insure the success of a given relationship?

For many men, at least in our Western corner of the world known as the United States, the basic attitude toward relationships tends to be different. We might invest in the concept but most of us are possibly more inclined to trust in the idea of aligning with another individual to achieve specific ends in their lives. In other words, the idea of a relationship itself becomes something less important than the idea of connecting with an individual or individuals who can adequately fulfill specific needs through specific roles. So long as that connection provides what the man desires––be it sex, money, status, nurturing, ego-boosting, etc. Paying attention to such fine points as quality and stability generally seem unimportant.

Still, having particular needs met requires relating to the person fulfilling them but the dynamics of relating itself are not what’s primary for such men. What is primary is getting want they want or need at the time they want or need it. Once a given relationship is established, men generally assume that’s it––the work part has been done and all that remains is to reap kingly benefits with the presumption that the woman will enjoy her queenly equivalent. Some of the most comical moments on Divorce Court television shows come when women stand before the judge listing all the things that her soon-to-be-ex husband failed to acknowledge in their relationship: the favorite meals prepared with loving care and energy after she too had had a long hard day at work; the willingness to accommodate passion whether or not desire was mutual; or simply being responsive when something troubled her deeply. Such wives often explain that their attempts to bridge gaps of emotional distance in their relationship is often met with anger, ridicule, or patronizing dismissal. As one wife on the hit show Entourage put it when she and her husband visited a marriage counselor: “What he calls nagging I call trying to have a relationship.”

Because women do take the time to become more aware of the dynamics of their relationships, that awareness, or knowledge, empowers them with the ability to control it. If they choose to do so. Thus the power of stability is often more in their hands than a man’s. And many women are in fact very much aware of the influence they can exert upon a man, and thus upon the relationship via the following: by how they may choose to exercise the regularity of sexual activity; how they influence children’s attitudes (where children are involved) toward a father; the degree to which they decide to accommodate or not accommodate a man’s unguarded whims or desires.

Because two people are involved in the kind of relationship we’re discussing, possessing power does not mean the woman is solely responsible for a relationship’s overall stability or general integrity. It only means that lack of attentiveness on a male’s behalf allows her the ability to set the tone for it. But if the goal of those involved in a relationship is to enjoy a successful one, that means both have to share in the responsibility for it just as they would in the responsibility for offspring or valued property. By doing so, they double the chances of enjoying a relationship that is not only stable, but deeply satisfying and enriching on every level.

Aberjhani

[Author-Poet Aberjhani]

Thanks Danny. The relationship model you present allows us to expand the context of this dialogue and entertain even more very useful and powerful perspectives.

Aberjhani

[Marlive Harris]

Danny, your definition of being in a marriage or committed relationship below . . .

"In my opinion, marital relationship or any relationship, for that matter, is like an adventure where there are stages of relationship to be explored and discovered."

. . . is right on target for me. Thank you so much for your input and participation in our virtual book tour day at CTI!

[Robert T.S. Mickles Sr.]

I think the most important thing that a lot of people here have said already is that both the man and the woman have to take responsibility for the relationship. One of the things I really enjoyed about writing my new novel, ISAIAH'S TEARS, was imagining how former slaves related to each other under very demanding and terrifying conditions. They always worked well together in the fields and had great respect for each other but the personal interaction seemed to require additional work then just like now.

Robert


theme=8&showThumbnail=true&sho

[Marlive Harris]

Hi Robert,

I agree, the responsibility of a marriage or committed relationship rest on the shoulders of both involved. And I do believe the personal interaction that goes on between a man and woman in a marriage over time requires additional work. It is very easy to take a person who is there day in and day out for granted. In my early 20's and 30's I pretty much worked in a male dominated work environment and heard men say, brag actually, "my wife may complain, but she ain't going nowhere!" Hmmmm . . . .

Your novel sounds very interesting too. I will have to check it out. Thank you so much for joining our discussion!

[Romantic Poetess]

wow what a conversation...many varied oppinions
It takes a great deal of mutual respect, value, and wisdom in acceptance of our diversities to have a good relationship, a life partner, or a Marriage.
Most men I have known have the "Good for the Goose...Not Good for the Gander" attitude...
That is so totally not equallity, or a man "trying" to give me permission on anything...oh no no no I don't need a Daddy thats for sure. My brain works just fine thank you very much. I have had wonderful love for men & dissolved the relationship even though I still loved them. Like the one who didn't want to remain faithful to me, I totally understood that & let him go to be himself with the ladies, he couln't have it all. I still love him. But I also deserve what I want too. Or the physically & mentally abusive one-well thats obvious why I let him go. I don't like broken bones.

But bottom line is acceptance of each other & the things they do (all of us) if someone enjoys what they enjoy, either accept this or let them go-it isn't worth frustrating yourself over demands of change....It is never a good idea try to get them to change. It's not even realistic. People change on their own accords. I know for a fact I would not change myself & my likes for anyone, especially someone ordering it on me. I had an ex back in the early 80's who decided that I no longer needed to go to the bar dancing with my girlfriends.....no-one should ever try to boss someone around thats for sure & manipulations along those lines. He met me dancing, we decide to live together & BAM. The real man appeared-lol No-one is anyone's property.....here is my song to my ex's :) lol
I must say I truely admire & envy Marriages that withstand all troubled waters that come to their bridge...they have it Totally Goin On!!! I wanted my relationships to last my whole life time as a "union"...but that wasn't my reality unfortunately

[Robby Baby (Poet of Amour)]

I think I mentioned it before here, but I find it frustrating for us guys that are sincerly good guys that there are those men out there who can act good but turn out to be jerks later. It's too bad, cause there is that trust issue to overcome. The gal understandably thinks "well...is this man going to be the same?" How to reassure them, hmmm? One simply has to weather the storm and take the time to show them that we ARE trustworthy. That has always been a sore point for me, that there are guys out there who are enough of a jerk that they ruin it for the rest of us. :(

Hopefully, there are at least some women out there who have weathered that storm with a man, and have found it worthwhile in the long run

[La Belle Rouge]

Aberjhani, this is an excellent article and I can tell you, as a woman, it's those little negative things that gradually kill respect and love. Enjoyed this very much.

[Author-Poet Aberjhani]

Thank you La Belle for weighing in on the issue at hand. Having written as prolifically and insightfully as you have on the subject, your opinion here is greatly valued.

Aberjhani